i dont feel okay

[Guest]

i have no clue wtf to even do anymore. my depression was at its peak right before quarantine started and now im isolated from everyone and my mind is constantly racing and dwelling on past things and stupid shit i did and i just have this constant feeling of dread and anxiety. like my chest is gonna explode. my depression got so bad in january because i starting excessively drinking and smoking and i started losing friends fast because i was an jerk and i pushed everyone away with out realizing it. i had no one and i truly felt that killing myself would be the only way anyone would ever notice me or think about me. i wanted other people to feel the guilt and regret that i had felt. i know thatit's incredibly messed up to feel that way but i cant help it. anyways i was in a program and getting help but everything shut down because of corona virus and now the only time i get help is when im on the phone with my therapist and honestly its hard to talk on the phone for therapy. i get anxious and worry that my whole family can hear what im saying and i just need a private space that i can feel comfortable to spill everything. i really hate myself. i wish life could go back to the way it was 1 year ago. one year ago i had the bestest friend ever who i loved more than anything, my parents trusted me, i would hang out with people every weekend, i would go to parties and not get black out drunk and id smoke and drink in moderation. everything was so good. then summer came along and i ditched my best friend for a dumb boy who ended up only using me for sex and weed. now my best friend hates me and im all alone. she was the only person who got me. i tried to fix things multiple times and we have even hung out recently but its not the same and i can tell that shes still hesitant too. why do I mess everything up? every time im happy i sabotage myself and bring down everyone around me. i am the worst piece of crap ever.

[2NDFLOOR]

You are not alone feeling anxious about being isolated so just continue communicating with your therapist and start practice coping skills if you aren't. Coping skills are tools that are helpful to navigate the ups and downs in life which is inevitable for everyone. I get that you are overwhelmed with feelings of regret from things you have done but that doesn't help you move forward and embrace the person you are trying to be today so try to just take your mistakes as lessons and learn and grow from it. Here is a link that with some tools for coping at https://adaa.org/tips also practice gratitude every morning, remember someone can always have it worse than you. Here is an article that talks about how gratitude changes your brain and can help you be happy https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/art...and_your_brain. If you need to chat please text or call 2NDFLOOR anytime at 888-222-2228.