College...J

[Guest]

I just started college. Everything was great I live in the friendliest house on campus, everyone is super nice, and the classes were easy and interesting. I thought I hit the jackpot, I was being social, Independent, and in general the kind of person I always wanted to be. I've been dealing with depression since before Highschool, and before I moved away from my therapy and psychiatric facility I decided to close my case as I thought I had finally found a control to it. I even went off medication, my psychiatrist and therapist were supportive. They thought I would be fine as well since they cleared me and all. I don't understand what happened. When I am socializing with my friends or really anyone, I feel their eyes and the constant judgment, I feel the disapproval and pity. It made me hate myself, so I thought fine I just won't hang out with my housemates. I'll make more friends and when home just stay in my dorm. It didn't work the "new" friends felt the same, it got so much I ended up isolating myself, and it didn't get better with "alone" time. I started thinking about hurting myself, and sometimes even about killing myself. I don't want to die, and I don't want to relapse so I force myself to go out with people, but I end up just feeling worse about myself. I've been too ashamed to go to the counseling center because I just feel so disappointed at the fact I left in the first place. I finally made an appointment though. I just, I don't know. I want to feel better, I want to stop letting this depression control my life. I don't know what to do. Why can't I just let myself be happy? I think I should go back on my old medication, but I'm afraid my house and roommate will judge me. My family is in the dark about all of this. I'm the first and only one to actually have a chance to go to college. What would they think of me now? I need help.

[2NDFLOOR]

Hi there; it was really brave of you to post about this. It is good that you acknowledged that you are struggling, and that you finally made an appointment to see someone. It is okay if you need to go back to counseling, or go back on meds, try not to feel ashamed about that. Deciding to go back to therapy or on meds is a personal choice that you don't necessarily have to share with your roommates or family if you are not comfortable doing so at this time. It sounds like you tried doing somethings to help yourself first, but they weren't working and it is great that you are now finally reaching out for help professionally because you have had a successful experience with it before. Give yourself some credit. Are you still feeling like you want to hurt yourself, or suicidal at all? Please do not hesitate to tell someone how you're feeling; support counselors here at 2NDFLOOR are available 24/7 via telephone call or text message @ 888-222-2228, or you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @ 1-800-273-8255.