just... everything

[Guest]

So, I'm sorry if this is confusing, I want to explain everything but there's a lot so this may go everywhere. Anyways, I've dealt with anxiety, Depression, and ADD for a long while in my life. I've had a lot of ups and downs in my life, and these past few months have been a pretty bad dip. There is a constant underlying feeling on anxiety that I can't seem to shake, that started about four months ago now. Eventually, depression also started to really settle in and, I actually forgot what joy felt like for a little while, I would force myself to smile for other people and I thought that happiness was just smiling, I thought you were supposed to still feel like dying while happy. Recently, I had a spark of joy, and now I occasionally feel happy, but I don't very often. Um, back to the point of this, school started for me about two months ago now and I'm now a senior in high school. I thought things would be a little easier on me this year, but with what's currently going on it's actually pretty bad. It's only first marking period, and I'm already facing the possibility of not graduating because I need four English credits, and I'm currently failing English. The stress this school year has put on me in two months is probably unhealthy as I've started getting headaches from the stress and I've become extremely tired physically because of it. I have considered suicide several times since the beginning of the school year, but I've decided that I'm not allowed to because that would devastate my friend, but I usually wish that my friend would start hating me so I could kill myself without any consequences (that I care about anyways. My family would move on if I died, I don't care). I've tried telling people about everything that's going on, I've told my mother (I don't have a father), I've told my therapist, my psychiatrist, my school guidance counselor, and I've even briefly gone over some of this with my English teacher (mainly because that's the class I'm failing and I wanted to explain myself), but no one seems to listen. I mean, they hear what I'm saying, because they respond, but no one LISTENS. They don't understand the problem, they make up their own problem from what I tell them, and I've explained it to them multiple times, changing my wording, in hopes that they would eventually understand. The closest I got was them understanding I had suicidal thoughts and threatening to send me to inpatient. Honestly, at this point, I don't find a point in telling anyone anymore, because my mother has started to get pissed at me for emoting. People are getting upset at me for being a f****** human. I'm not god! I have problems, mental health issues, and they're starting to blame me. I've been sent home this school year twice, being told I can't return to school without clearance by a doctor because I'm "a danger to myself" and both times my mother got angry at me. She went off about how I've already been to intensive outpatient and partial therapy and "if this keeps up" I'll have to be hospitalized. I can't control how I feel, and I can't control that the school can't let me back, but she's getting angry at me. I have ONE support system in this whole ordeal, which is my friend (we'll call them Sam), and Sam is kind of having their own problems as well. I feel like a burden going to Sam, because they already have enough to deal with. I'm being a b**** by whining to them. So, right now, I have nowhere to go. Sam is the only person that will listen and I can't burden them anymore than I already have. I feel like hell and I don't know what to do.
The big problem right now is an English paper I have to finish (that was a random turn that came out of nowhere, but that's what even made me decide to say something to someone). The paper was due about a month ago, but my English teacher said she'd help me, after I didn't turn it in. She got me started with the first step and said we'd discuss after that. We never did. I emailed her the outline, and she never got back to me. I was in class Friday, and right before I left she told me I had to have it in by Thursday or I would get a zero for it. If I get a zero, I will most likely fail English, meaning I can't graduate and just get out of this f'ing school. I want to tell someone, but at this point I can see the most likely reactions in my head, and I don't want to have to deal with them. My mother is probably just going to say how I'm too passive, and this is my fault, or how I looked too damn relaxed, and I'm being lazy. I just want help is all, but I know that isn't going to happen. I don't know what to do anymore, and it's a stupid English paper, but it could make me fail, and it's stressing me out, and I'm still dealing with everything else I have going on, and I just... I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know how writing this is supposed to help. I don't know what advice anyone could give me. I guess at this point I'm just desperate and hoping someone can give me some type of advice, because I don't know what to do anymore. The depression and anxiety is eating me alive, no one that's supposed to help me with this can listen, my mother is legitimately getting upset at me for having these emotions, and I'm probably going to fail high school and get held back. I don't know what to do anymore, and I just need something, anything, that can give me some sense of hope. Because all I want to do right now is die. That's literally the only thing I want to do anymore.

[2NDFLOOR]

Your frustration is understandable. It sounds like you have so much on your plate to deal with right now. Is there any discussion about what you can do to bring that grade up? You said that you've been meeting with teachers and guidance counselors, which is great, but what can you do to get that grade higher? Tutoring? Learning Center? Extra work? Different class? There are a few different options and you're still pretty early in the year so there should be time to bring it up. If you meeting with these people isn't doing anything, maybe you need to set up a meeting with your guidance counselor, teacher and mother. Get everyone together and figure out how to help you with this class that you're struggling with. If you're having a hard time with a specific paper, remind your teacher that she was going to help you, break the paper down into small, manageable parts and set aside a certain amount of time each day, that allows you to finish on time to get it done. The thing to remember is that you still should have plenty of time to bring that grade up, but you might need that extra help I talked about earlier. As far as being a burden, people are there for you, to help you and help you feel better. You shouldn't feel bad about asking others for help if you don't feel good. They always have the ability to say no or not today if they are feeling overwhelmed by you. Most people are happy to help, like I'm sure you wouldn't mind being there for Sam to help them with their problems if they needed it. Reach out to people for help, it's ok to do that. Finally, suicide is not an answer to any problem, so I'm glad you're not going there. However, remember to let someone know if those feelings ever change, regardless of how you think they are going to react or what they are going to say. The important thing is that you get the help that you need. You can reach out to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK or the NJ Hopeline at 855-654-6735. You can also call or text us anytime at 888-222-2228.