I am stuck.

[Unregistered]

I used to feel really suicidal like last year, I was even going to attempt but stopped. I tried to be better. I was getting better, I think. I've been seeing a shrink for about 2 years. But, when asked if I've ever been suicidal or hurt myself, I couldn't bring myself to say yes to either. This year, I've got a new counselor. Recently, I revealed that I have hurt myself. I was clean for almost a year, but relapsed last month. And for months, I've started to feel suicidal again. It's different though. It's like, I want to live, just not with this feeling. I thought this feeling would go away. Now, my shrink thinks it probably has to do with the traumatic experiences from when I was very little. My dad was an abusive alcoholic, he never hurt me or my brother physically, but he hurt my mom. Constantly. He was very controlling. My brother and I were not allowed to go to a friend's house. We were to never leave. That was years ago. So, I don't think that's what's causing me to feel how I do node, at least not entirely or most of the reason. I just hate myself. And I feel hopeless and sad all of the time. I can enjoy things, but there is always this underlying sadness nagging at me. I'm "rebellious" now according to my mother. So I've got into trouble and it makes me feel worse.
I want to live. I want to live. I want to live. I keep telling myself that, but such a big part of me wants to die, and I am so scared to tell my counselor as much as I want to because she'd have to contact the school and my mother and I'd probably be sent away. My mom would be stressed, my friends would think differently or at least a couple, I'd miss school, and I can't let that happen. I want to be better, but I can't hurt anyone whilst doing it. I just can't and I'm afraid of what will or will not happen if I continue feeling that I can't tell anyone who can help me.

[2NDFLOOR]

First of all, it is great that you are already in counseling. Recognizing the need for help and taking the steps to get it is usually one of the biggest problems in dealing with issues like you are going through...you're already part of the way there. Secondly, while you may be scared to do so, you need to tell your counselor everything you are going though if you want her to be able to properly help you. Think of going to a doctor and not telling him/her all of your symptoms. Their diagnosis would probably be wrong, since you left some symptoms out. The same is true of a counselor. If they don't have all of the relevant info, they won't be able to provide the best possible treatment. Most of the time, counselors only act if you are planning on acting out on your suicidial thoughts, not if you are just having them. Many people have thoughts of suicide and feel better after talking or working out their issues. Please make sure you start the process of feeling better and talking about those thoughts of suicide that are bothering you so much. Your counselor is a great place to start, but also you can reach out to us at 888-222-2228 or the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK. They also have a website at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.