I used to feel really suicidal like last year, I was even going to attempt but stopped. I tried to be better. I was getting better, I think. I've been seeing a shrink for about 2 years. But, when asked if I've ever been suicidal or hurt myself, I couldn't bring myself to say yes to either. This year, I've got a new counselor. Recently, I revealed that I have hurt myself. I was clean for almost a year, but relapsed last month. And for months, I've started to feel suicidal again. It's different though. It's like, I want to live, just not with this feeling. I thought this feeling would go away. Now, my shrink thinks it probably has to do with the traumatic experiences from when I was very little. My dad was an abusive alcoholic, he never hurt me or my brother physically, but he hurt my mom. Constantly. He was very controlling. My brother and I were not allowed to go to a friend's house. We were to never leave. That was years ago. So, I don't think that's what's causing me to feel how I do node, at least not entirely or most of the reason. I just hate myself. And I feel hopeless and sad all of the time. I can enjoy things, but there is always this underlying sadness nagging at me. I'm "rebellious" now according to my mother. So I've got into trouble and it makes me feel worse.
I want to live. I want to live. I want to live. I keep telling myself that, but such a big part of me wants to die, and I am so scared to tell my counselor as much as I want to because she'd have to contact the school and my mother and I'd probably be sent away. My mom would be stressed, my friends would think differently or at least a couple, I'd miss school, and I can't let that happen. I want to be better, but I can't hurt anyone whilst doing it. I just can't and I'm afraid of what will or will not happen if I continue feeling that I can't tell anyone who can help me.
I want to live. I want to live. I want to live. I keep telling myself that, but such a big part of me wants to die, and I am so scared to tell my counselor as much as I want to because she'd have to contact the school and my mother and I'd probably be sent away. My mom would be stressed, my friends would think differently or at least a couple, I'd miss school, and I can't let that happen. I want to be better, but I can't hurt anyone whilst doing it. I just can't and I'm afraid of what will or will not happen if I continue feeling that I can't tell anyone who can help me.
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