I don't know anymore

[Unregistered]

I always feel like I'm not getting any progress done with trying to reach out for help. I always feel I go to my counselor and tell her that i need help but she can't really do anything because I'm the one that have to take that extra step and tell my parents. It's hard for me to tell them that I have problems with my mental state. I can't. Every time I come to this website I say somewhat the same thing that I need help and I can't because I'm too afraid and I get somewhat the same response "try writing to them" or something else. It's hard to tell them at all even if it's face to face or by paper. Also I hear voices so of course that doesn't make anything better especially when I try to reach out for help. Im in like a hostage situation with them and if I try to do anything they'll kill me as in ill kill myself. I feel like my mental state is getting worse. I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want to kill people and I don't know what to do. I can't help my mom around the damn house because my depression gets the better of me and I can't even get out of bed. I know you guys can't help me you guys can only give me advice so I understand that you guys can't do a lot for me. I don't wanna die and I don't wanna live and that's really hard as to decide what I wanna do. I lost my passion and everything I wanted to do in life. I already knew what I wanted to be when I grow up but now I don't. I got lost. I don't know what to do in life anymore. I also want to get a job but also my social anxiety doesn't help. School I feel like I'm in jail and then when I go home I feel the same way. I can't escape. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I don't and I knew SO many things that I did. I wanna leave my house. I wanna murder everyone who has done me wrong. I don't know. I don't know. I dont know. I'm here sitting typing this long paragraph which I apologize in a horrible place to live. You know I love to explore and do adventurous things. I also want to go to more conventions and one day go to California... It's sad that someone like me loves to do things like this but can't because I'm trapped. Stuck. Broken. I don't know what happen to me. I don't miss my old self but i miss not having problems. They say you should leave where negative people are around you but how do leave this house? I sometimes meet people who are nice and positive and I hate them because they're too positive. Then why am I complaining that I'm surrounded by negative people if I'm negative too? I don't know...it stuck to me...sadly... I've become a horrible person. A person you wouldn't like to call a friend. Where did everything go wrong? What did I do to receive such horrible punishment? They say it teaches us lessons but I sometimes don't believe it. Some people who deserve bad punishments never do. They always get what they want and get lucky. I'll stop here because this paragraph is long enough thank you for taking your time to read this if you did.

[2NDFLOOR]

I'm really sorry to hear that you have so many negative thoughts and feelings going on. It seems like from what you say counselors have offered you plenty of advice but it is still not enough. After reading what you have shared with us I am going to highly suggest going to your nearest hospital and talking with them about your current mental state so they can further support your needs. At this point it seems like you need more help than just talking to your counselor or reaching out to helplines and the professionals in a hospital can offer more than just that. You've taken the first step for awhile which is great but now it is time to take the next step. If you would like guidance in finding your nearest hospital please call us as soon a possible at the 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline at 888-222-2228. We are here 24/7. You can also text us daily between 4pm and 8pm at this number. You do not have to be alone in this and things can get better...Your dreams can come true if you let the right people help and support you.