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I have a problem and i feel trapped.. help..
Hello. I don't know how to start, but I've got a problem. I feel stuck. I just graduated from the 9th grade so i'm off to Another school next year. I've been having some hard time because I've been suffering from depression all the way from the end of 7th grade. I haven't really told anyone except now.. My life has been really dark lately and i just want to say my 8th grade was the hardest time of my life. The time my depression and some kind of "anxiety" got worse. I was quiet and just down. I never smiled or laughed or anything. I was always alone and wasn't really good company. I don't really have friends which i'm OK with but the relationships i had started to fall. There has just been so much in my mind lately.
So there was/is a really nice teacher in my (old) school, who became my SWE/DE teacher at the beginning of the 7th. I don't know why but my affection towards her started to grow after a while. (not romantically) she has multiple times asked me if i wanted to talk and if everything was OK, but i never said i wasn't okay even though i really wanted and needed to say. I always lingered after glass 'cause i.. i wanted her to ask me if i wanted to talk or just ask if i'm okay.. i liked that she cared. That sounds horrible.. i tried couple times to talk about it but never could. She felt like the only light in the darkness.
We had a field trip not long ago. The whole 9th grade people. (Those who wanted to come of course) At the time i was happier and i could live normally, but the depression came always haunting back. During the trip this teacher once or twice asked if everything okay (because she found me alone staring at a window or something), but again i didn't give an honest answer. I just simply said "i'm fine". A year back we had an exchange to Germany where she was with us. That didn't go well for me and she noticed that too.. so But everything changed the night we came home from our field trip. I was crying, and really wanted to tell her than so i started to write her a message that i needed to talk to her (because the next week was the last of school) and sent it the next morning. She called me shortly after that and we talked about 30 minutes. She said she was going to contact the school concealer. She called me in the evening to say she had contacted crisis center instead (just for information for what to do in that situation) She told me that it's too late for the counselor. They called me from the crisis center and just had a chat with me about this. After couple days i talked to the teacher in school and she got me a "therapist" to talk to and i have her number and everything. She said she will call me. She did couple days ago, but i forgot to answer.. heh.. she will call again tho.. But now the school has ended. I feel... not good.. i want to talk to that teacher.. i really want to talk to her. i don't know even why but i have cried almost every day thinking about her. i'm too afraid and anxious to do that and i don't want to bother her. (i think she is on vacation also??) And one of the biggest reason i can't seem to be able to call her/text her is that i feel like i'm not gonna be able to say anything to her! Just run out of topics.. Like: "I wanted to talk to you." Then a silence... i don't want that. I don't even know what i want to say to her and what to talk about!! What am i supposed to say to her?! Arg.. Why would i call her when I've got a therapist she might think.. I don't want to talk to that therapist.. she hasn't yet called my parents but i believe that moment is nearer than ever.. I'd like to mention that my parents know about some parts that i have been depressed, "anxious" and stuff but not any details.. i just can't tell them.. i'm not able to. I also believe that these people think it's just about this anxiety 'cause i haven't really been talking about depression.. but anyways. i.. i feel really trapped and tense now. i am okay. The situation isn't as bad as in the 8th grade, but still.. i just don't know what to do... All i have done is i have been thinking about that teacher.. She is important to me, but she won't teach me next year. And i don't think she'll contact me anymore as i hope she would. help.. please i'm afraid of the future..
So there was/is a really nice teacher in my (old) school, who became my SWE/DE teacher at the beginning of the 7th. I don't know why but my affection towards her started to grow after a while. (not romantically) she has multiple times asked me if i wanted to talk and if everything was OK, but i never said i wasn't okay even though i really wanted and needed to say. I always lingered after glass 'cause i.. i wanted her to ask me if i wanted to talk or just ask if i'm okay.. i liked that she cared. That sounds horrible.. i tried couple times to talk about it but never could. She felt like the only light in the darkness.
We had a field trip not long ago. The whole 9th grade people. (Those who wanted to come of course) At the time i was happier and i could live normally, but the depression came always haunting back. During the trip this teacher once or twice asked if everything okay (because she found me alone staring at a window or something), but again i didn't give an honest answer. I just simply said "i'm fine". A year back we had an exchange to Germany where she was with us. That didn't go well for me and she noticed that too.. so But everything changed the night we came home from our field trip. I was crying, and really wanted to tell her than so i started to write her a message that i needed to talk to her (because the next week was the last of school) and sent it the next morning. She called me shortly after that and we talked about 30 minutes. She said she was going to contact the school concealer. She called me in the evening to say she had contacted crisis center instead (just for information for what to do in that situation) She told me that it's too late for the counselor. They called me from the crisis center and just had a chat with me about this. After couple days i talked to the teacher in school and she got me a "therapist" to talk to and i have her number and everything. She said she will call me. She did couple days ago, but i forgot to answer.. heh.. she will call again tho.. But now the school has ended. I feel... not good.. i want to talk to that teacher.. i really want to talk to her. i don't know even why but i have cried almost every day thinking about her. i'm too afraid and anxious to do that and i don't want to bother her. (i think she is on vacation also??) And one of the biggest reason i can't seem to be able to call her/text her is that i feel like i'm not gonna be able to say anything to her! Just run out of topics.. Like: "I wanted to talk to you." Then a silence... i don't want that. I don't even know what i want to say to her and what to talk about!! What am i supposed to say to her?! Arg.. Why would i call her when I've got a therapist she might think.. I don't want to talk to that therapist.. she hasn't yet called my parents but i believe that moment is nearer than ever.. I'd like to mention that my parents know about some parts that i have been depressed, "anxious" and stuff but not any details.. i just can't tell them.. i'm not able to. I also believe that these people think it's just about this anxiety 'cause i haven't really been talking about depression.. but anyways. i.. i feel really trapped and tense now. i am okay. The situation isn't as bad as in the 8th grade, but still.. i just don't know what to do... All i have done is i have been thinking about that teacher.. She is important to me, but she won't teach me next year. And i don't think she'll contact me anymore as i hope she would. help.. please i'm afraid of the future..
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