Hopeless

[Unregistered]

So my best friend, let's call her "A", was seeing this boy, let's call him "B", throughout the year. B and I had consensual sex last October, before he met A. And then we hooked up again in march - which was a problem because he was seeing A at the time. B and I were very drunk, so discretion was low. It was inexcusable on both of our parts, and I am still trying to understand why I did what I did, but A and I worked past what happened because we care about eachother very much.

In June, B and I were at a party together, also very drunk, when he forced himself upon me. I told him that it was a bad idea because of A, but things happened anyway. I've been working on healing and recovering, but it's going to take some time. I suppose what happened was technically rape, but I just want to move past it.

Today, A texted me about how she still loves B. It hit me right then, what was bothering me the most.

She had always been there for me - she's still there for me - and so I was blinded from the truth: he matters more.

When A texted me today, I realized at that moment that nothing that happened mattered. It doesn't matter that he cheats on her. It doesn't matter that he doesn't commit. Nothing matters. If she wants to facilitate her own pain, so be it.

But the issue is bigger than that. The issue is that she continues to love someone who forced himself upon me. Who chose to ignore the fact that she cared about him so much. Who chose to ignore my reminder of said fact.

She loves someone who mistreated me. Disrespected me. Hurt me.

She knows what he has done, but her love for him is unconditional.

And I don't feel as though I can say the same for her love for me.

I feel as though she blames me for his attraction to me. I'm not saying that I'm not at fault, because I'm definitely attracted to him, but I care about her friendship more. She told me that if I "do that" to her again, we can no longer be friends. But the thing is, what happened in June wasn't of my volition. She shouldn't doubt my allegiance to her because of the incident. I didn't want it to happen.

And I feel like she should be there for me now, as I'm trying to understand how I feel about him and about myself and about what happened. Especially when she, herself, was sexually assaulted this year. She knows what it feels like to feel used and broken and hurt.

But she can't stop thinking of him. She can't stop loving him.

But she can stop loving me.

[2NDFLOOR]

You are right in saying that this is considered to be rape. You have the right to say "no" to any type of physical interaction at any point in time. What he did to you is not okay and it is not your fault. This sounds like such a hard experience to go through. It must feel so hurtful that your friend seems to be putting him before you. Is she aware that the last time he forced himself on you? Is it possible that she just does not understand fully what happened? It may be really helpful to try to talk to her again about this. If she does not respond or she is still continuing to do this, then it may be better to move on from this friendship. You do not deserve to be treated like that. Friends are suppose to be our support system and help us through difficult times. You ma even want to reach out to someone that you trust for help with this or contact some other resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, www.ndvh.org, and www.breakthecycle.org for support. Please call 2NDFLOOR anytime to talk at 888-222-2228. We are here 24/7 to help you!