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I always knew I wasn't popular. In the younger years, it didn't really matter to me.
I have two sisters. One is named Emily, and one is Olivia.
Emily had a very bad school experience. This caused her major anxiety and stress. . She would scream, cry, and break things. I remember her cutting off her hair and slamming a vase at our T.V. I took my care of my little sister while this was happening. I would take her to our room and would read her stories while Emily screamed bloody murder. I remember being traumatized deeply by these events.
The stress of my sister, my school, and grades affected me deeply. I was always feeling down, and relied on nobody for help.
I wished I was friends that I could bond with. But they were the "weird" ones, who didn't care about popularity or friends or boys. I cared greatly about all of these things, so I often felt uncomfortable around them. But I also felt uncomfortable around the popular ones, I felt that they would never accept me. I was trapped.
Middle school was a very hard time for me. Here, I met my crush, Zach. He would hang out with a couple of my friends and I would tag along with them. I don't know what it was about him. He was short, half Philippine, and had a really high voice. I would never usually go for a guy like him. But I was smitten. He was so funny, and always made me laugh.
One time, I asked one of my friends to ask him if he wanted to hang out. I remember him going up to me and said "Why would I ever want to hang out with you?"
My heart literally shattered. i thought his teasing and our laughs and our times together meant something. Turns out I was just another one of his little toys.
From that day on, I did not talk to him. But that didn't stop me from staring at him, all the time. I was in love with this stupid, careless, boy who wasn't cute, sweet, or even kind. But I could not let him go.
This went on for a long time. In fact, it still is.
I remember sitting home, scrolling through my Instagram feed, seeing all of these girls and boys from my grade at parties, in the city, or on the beach. They were smiling and happy and laughing. They all looked amazing. I was so jealous that I didn't have the friends to do that with, the money to go anywhere, and not enough confidence to wear all of those sultry outfits.
From then on, social media was very important to me. I decided that if people judged me for me, maybe they could see a different part of me on social media. I tried to get beautiful pictures, but we did not live in a nice area. I had no friends to take pictures with, nobody to help me. I felt so defeated.
This eventually took over my life. I was obsessed with looking perfect, being perfect, acting perfect. I would sneak around makeup even though I wasn't allowed to wear it. I would begin to take my sister's clothes to wear to school, and I would stop sitting with my friends. While they were laughing hysterically over nothing, the cool kids looked at them in disgust. I was mortified. I thought sitting alone was better then sitting with those freaks. When they would come up to me, I barely spoke. I didn't want anyone seeing me with them.
Months and months went by, and I was empty inside. The weight and the pressure that I put on myself was overwhelming. I was drowning, and it was like no one even noticed.
I decided that I had to do something. I had to change. My best friend Stephanie recommended this T.V show to me, called the Walking Dead. I decided to check it out, and I instantly fell in love. Watching it was like all of my troubles were gone. I am still obsessed today and use it as an outlet. I found a couple of T.V. shows, and I instantly got hooked. I always loved TV, but as I got older, they were like an escape for me.
My parents thought that I needed to get out more, so they took me places. Like the supermarket, restaurants, and other places. When they took me to these places, I realized that I was terrified. I spent so much time inside, I was so scared to talk to people, to interact with them. I felt like they were always judging me.
I wasn't able to order in restaurants. I couldn't go anywhere without my heart beating so fast, I started to sweat, and I wouldn't be able to speak. My parents thought I was being dramatic, but it ate me alive.
My parents took me to sleep away camp. I was actually extremely excited, to get out of this stupid town and its judging people. It was the escape, the freedom, of not being judged all the time. I was in an accepting place, where people actually cared about me and understood.
I continued to go to sleep away camp, every summer. But as we got older, people became more mean. It was like school all over again. I still had a very fun time, but I always felt like I was the third choice. I was best friends with the two most popular girls in our age group, they were both identical twins. They always put me last, and if no one else was available, they talked to me. I felt absolutely horrible, but was always nice to them.
My sister met this boy, Mike. They fell in love and began to date. He was honestly one of the most amazing guys, and I was glad Emily was happy.Her panic attacks went away, and she was finally acting normal.Mike became a part of the family. Until he broke up with her.
Emily became a mess. She always relied on him, he was her entire life. I always worried that she would fall to pieces if this happened, and told her this on a trip to the Dominican. Emily didn't speak to me for days, telling me it was true love and that they were different, it was going to last forever.
But it didn't.
This put the family under more stress. Emily was preparing for college, I was dealing with my depression, and Olivia was always bothering us. My family continued to fight, I had no friends, and felt that I was ugly and not good enough. My family kept making fun of my TV show obsessions, my movie obsessions, and my book obsessions. I defended them with my life. They were my one source of even a little happiness. But they Kept reminding me that this is real life, and this is a pointless way to spend my time. I realized they were right.
That's when I began to cut.
it hurt, at first. I was terrified to hurt myself, so I didn't cut deep. But I felt like I was taking away all of my emotional pain and inflicting it in a physical way. One day, I had a panic attack, and my secret was found. I immediately got therapists and psychological help. My therapists tried to understand, but nothing they said helped me. They gave me medications, I took them but sometimes threw them out. I was scared to take them. I was afraid they would make me happy, and I was so used to being sad. I was afraid I would become just like my friends, happy but everyone hating them for who they really were.
I still feel this way today. I get up, take my medication, and go to school. I act extremely happy in school, talking to acquaintances and making jokes. People like me, but the popular kids pay no attention to me. I was a lot more sensitive then other people, but I pretended to be hard as stone. Hearing the disgusting remarks in the hallway about people and sex and rumors made me want to die.
I put everything into my school work, but still got poor grades in math and biology. This led to me cheating, and one time I was caught. I got detention and my parents didn't speak to me for weeks. But I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect that at the time I didn't really care.
My sister is still dealing with her breakup. She is in a horrible place. I always try to help her, but she always screams at me and then begs me to be there for her.
I still feel all the pressure with the social media. I always try to take good pictures. It's an obsession. I feel like people will only like me if I have cool, interesting photos. But I have no friends, no money, and no cute places.
My parents keep pressuring me to go out and do school events, but the social anxiety takes over. I cant go places, especially with the horrible girls in my school. The pranks and things that they have done to me is so horrible and inhumane I don't even want to describe it. I did not do anything to these girls, but they still treat me like crap.
I have had a fascination with smoking. I knew my parents would kill me, so I decided to light matches and blow them out, trying to breathe in the smoke. I felt so bad ass, it was even better then cutting. My parents caught me many times and were furious, punishing me. But I didn't care. I felt like I was in control of something.
When I try to talk to my "friends" about these problems, they barely support me. all they do is say okay; most of the time they don;t even respond to my texts.
A couple of guys had shown interest in me, because I have big boobs and a nice figure. But they were only interested in my body, and left me after I let them in. This one kid asked to hook up in the auditorium after not speaking to me after a year, because I rejected him. I felt so used, but at the same time I wanted to say yes, because I felt it would give me a little bit of comfort. Thankfully, I said no. But I still feel no guy will ever love me.
I still have a thing for Zach. It frustrates me deeply, because he is not someone who i am usually attracted to. He is rude, childish, and obnoxious. But I don't know why I still like him so much.
I am going through so much shit, I don't even know what to do. My family is always against me, my friends are nothing like I want them to be, and my social anxiety and depression are so normal to me that I am afraid to be happy. I have no idea how to be happy again and to feel confident in myself.
I have two sisters. One is named Emily, and one is Olivia.
Emily had a very bad school experience. This caused her major anxiety and stress. . She would scream, cry, and break things. I remember her cutting off her hair and slamming a vase at our T.V. I took my care of my little sister while this was happening. I would take her to our room and would read her stories while Emily screamed bloody murder. I remember being traumatized deeply by these events.
The stress of my sister, my school, and grades affected me deeply. I was always feeling down, and relied on nobody for help.
I wished I was friends that I could bond with. But they were the "weird" ones, who didn't care about popularity or friends or boys. I cared greatly about all of these things, so I often felt uncomfortable around them. But I also felt uncomfortable around the popular ones, I felt that they would never accept me. I was trapped.
Middle school was a very hard time for me. Here, I met my crush, Zach. He would hang out with a couple of my friends and I would tag along with them. I don't know what it was about him. He was short, half Philippine, and had a really high voice. I would never usually go for a guy like him. But I was smitten. He was so funny, and always made me laugh.
One time, I asked one of my friends to ask him if he wanted to hang out. I remember him going up to me and said "Why would I ever want to hang out with you?"
My heart literally shattered. i thought his teasing and our laughs and our times together meant something. Turns out I was just another one of his little toys.
From that day on, I did not talk to him. But that didn't stop me from staring at him, all the time. I was in love with this stupid, careless, boy who wasn't cute, sweet, or even kind. But I could not let him go.
This went on for a long time. In fact, it still is.
I remember sitting home, scrolling through my Instagram feed, seeing all of these girls and boys from my grade at parties, in the city, or on the beach. They were smiling and happy and laughing. They all looked amazing. I was so jealous that I didn't have the friends to do that with, the money to go anywhere, and not enough confidence to wear all of those sultry outfits.
From then on, social media was very important to me. I decided that if people judged me for me, maybe they could see a different part of me on social media. I tried to get beautiful pictures, but we did not live in a nice area. I had no friends to take pictures with, nobody to help me. I felt so defeated.
This eventually took over my life. I was obsessed with looking perfect, being perfect, acting perfect. I would sneak around makeup even though I wasn't allowed to wear it. I would begin to take my sister's clothes to wear to school, and I would stop sitting with my friends. While they were laughing hysterically over nothing, the cool kids looked at them in disgust. I was mortified. I thought sitting alone was better then sitting with those freaks. When they would come up to me, I barely spoke. I didn't want anyone seeing me with them.
Months and months went by, and I was empty inside. The weight and the pressure that I put on myself was overwhelming. I was drowning, and it was like no one even noticed.
I decided that I had to do something. I had to change. My best friend Stephanie recommended this T.V show to me, called the Walking Dead. I decided to check it out, and I instantly fell in love. Watching it was like all of my troubles were gone. I am still obsessed today and use it as an outlet. I found a couple of T.V. shows, and I instantly got hooked. I always loved TV, but as I got older, they were like an escape for me.
My parents thought that I needed to get out more, so they took me places. Like the supermarket, restaurants, and other places. When they took me to these places, I realized that I was terrified. I spent so much time inside, I was so scared to talk to people, to interact with them. I felt like they were always judging me.
I wasn't able to order in restaurants. I couldn't go anywhere without my heart beating so fast, I started to sweat, and I wouldn't be able to speak. My parents thought I was being dramatic, but it ate me alive.
My parents took me to sleep away camp. I was actually extremely excited, to get out of this stupid town and its judging people. It was the escape, the freedom, of not being judged all the time. I was in an accepting place, where people actually cared about me and understood.
I continued to go to sleep away camp, every summer. But as we got older, people became more mean. It was like school all over again. I still had a very fun time, but I always felt like I was the third choice. I was best friends with the two most popular girls in our age group, they were both identical twins. They always put me last, and if no one else was available, they talked to me. I felt absolutely horrible, but was always nice to them.
My sister met this boy, Mike. They fell in love and began to date. He was honestly one of the most amazing guys, and I was glad Emily was happy.Her panic attacks went away, and she was finally acting normal.Mike became a part of the family. Until he broke up with her.
Emily became a mess. She always relied on him, he was her entire life. I always worried that she would fall to pieces if this happened, and told her this on a trip to the Dominican. Emily didn't speak to me for days, telling me it was true love and that they were different, it was going to last forever.
But it didn't.
This put the family under more stress. Emily was preparing for college, I was dealing with my depression, and Olivia was always bothering us. My family continued to fight, I had no friends, and felt that I was ugly and not good enough. My family kept making fun of my TV show obsessions, my movie obsessions, and my book obsessions. I defended them with my life. They were my one source of even a little happiness. But they Kept reminding me that this is real life, and this is a pointless way to spend my time. I realized they were right.
That's when I began to cut.
it hurt, at first. I was terrified to hurt myself, so I didn't cut deep. But I felt like I was taking away all of my emotional pain and inflicting it in a physical way. One day, I had a panic attack, and my secret was found. I immediately got therapists and psychological help. My therapists tried to understand, but nothing they said helped me. They gave me medications, I took them but sometimes threw them out. I was scared to take them. I was afraid they would make me happy, and I was so used to being sad. I was afraid I would become just like my friends, happy but everyone hating them for who they really were.
I still feel this way today. I get up, take my medication, and go to school. I act extremely happy in school, talking to acquaintances and making jokes. People like me, but the popular kids pay no attention to me. I was a lot more sensitive then other people, but I pretended to be hard as stone. Hearing the disgusting remarks in the hallway about people and sex and rumors made me want to die.
I put everything into my school work, but still got poor grades in math and biology. This led to me cheating, and one time I was caught. I got detention and my parents didn't speak to me for weeks. But I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect that at the time I didn't really care.
My sister is still dealing with her breakup. She is in a horrible place. I always try to help her, but she always screams at me and then begs me to be there for her.
I still feel all the pressure with the social media. I always try to take good pictures. It's an obsession. I feel like people will only like me if I have cool, interesting photos. But I have no friends, no money, and no cute places.
My parents keep pressuring me to go out and do school events, but the social anxiety takes over. I cant go places, especially with the horrible girls in my school. The pranks and things that they have done to me is so horrible and inhumane I don't even want to describe it. I did not do anything to these girls, but they still treat me like crap.
I have had a fascination with smoking. I knew my parents would kill me, so I decided to light matches and blow them out, trying to breathe in the smoke. I felt so bad ass, it was even better then cutting. My parents caught me many times and were furious, punishing me. But I didn't care. I felt like I was in control of something.
When I try to talk to my "friends" about these problems, they barely support me. all they do is say okay; most of the time they don;t even respond to my texts.
A couple of guys had shown interest in me, because I have big boobs and a nice figure. But they were only interested in my body, and left me after I let them in. This one kid asked to hook up in the auditorium after not speaking to me after a year, because I rejected him. I felt so used, but at the same time I wanted to say yes, because I felt it would give me a little bit of comfort. Thankfully, I said no. But I still feel no guy will ever love me.
I still have a thing for Zach. It frustrates me deeply, because he is not someone who i am usually attracted to. He is rude, childish, and obnoxious. But I don't know why I still like him so much.
I am going through so much shit, I don't even know what to do. My family is always against me, my friends are nothing like I want them to be, and my social anxiety and depression are so normal to me that I am afraid to be happy. I have no idea how to be happy again and to feel confident in myself.
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