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I've felt alone my entire life. I felt like no matter who I have in my life I couldn't trust anyone. I believed that if I kept all my feelings and secrets inside myself than I will be ok, but in reality I'm not ok, at all. I'm the furthest from okay now. I feel like I'm slowly falling off a cliff and the slower I fall the worse I feel. Ever since I was about 11 I felt very depressed and I don't really know how to deal with it. I've been the therapists and they tell me that I seem fine, but the only reason for that is because I'm not telling them the whole truth. I tell them the basic things that you tell people about your life; it sucks and you feel sad all the time, but what you don't tell them is what the causes are and that's my problem. I can't tell people what's wrong with me if I don't actually know what it is so I don't tell anyone anything, not my parents, friends, family, no one. I keep everything inside because that's where it stays safe. If I hide my feelings than I won't have to deal with people telling me how to feel, but people are still telling me how to feel. "stop being so depressed" "smile, your life is perfect you don't have a reason to be upset" I do though. My life is really screwed up and I can't really tell people about it because I don't know how to explain how bad it is. All I ever do is sleep, listen to music, read, and eat. I rarely go outside anymore and I have about three people that I hang out with. That's upsetting. I was so popular and happy three years ago but then everything changed. I became antisocial and stressed and depressed. I had these urges to hurt myself, but most times I could fight them off but other times I couldnt. I felt so badly about myself that I believed that, that was my only escape of all of this pain that I'm going through. I don't even know why I have so much pain because the main thing that caused my depression and anxiety was myself. I started over thinking many things on a daily basis. It started with small things that didn't mean anything but then they became bigger like my future and not being good enough for anything and thinking about all of this led me down the wrong path as well. I was changing and I was the only person that couldn't see that. I started listening to hardcore rock music that was screaming and I was bullied for it. I still get bullied over it from people I think of as my friends and it hurts. It hurts so badly that I go to the bathroom just to cry. I sit there and cry hoping that it would all just end but it never does. idk where I'm going with this but I don't know how to fix my problems and I have so many... please help me I need to go back to the person I was before depression and anxiety came to me.
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Thank you for reaching out to 2ndFloor. I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way and that you have been for a while. Just so you know if you have thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself please contact 911 or the national suicide prevention line 1-800-273-8255 for immediate help and support. What you are going through is really difficult but you don't have to feel like you are going through it alone. 2ndFloor is here to help you in any way that we can. First off depression and anxiety do not discriminate against people with "perfect" lives or lives that seem ok from the outside. Depression and anxiety affect all different people. It sounds like you know part of the way to get the help you need, and that's to be honest. When you go to these professionals, tell them how you are really feeling even if you don't fully understand it. They aren't there to judge you they want to help. This is what will help you get back to the person you remember, but you have to be honest with yourself in order for them to be able to help. Until you are able to see a professional don't look at your life as a mass of problems, pick one and work on it, it makes them more manageable. Please give 2ndFloor Youth Helpline a call at 888-222-2228 or text us Fridays 4-8pm at 908-280-0235. Remember you are not alone in this!
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