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I've never really felt like I've had any authentic friends in my life. I'm really shy and anxious when meeting new people and it's hard for me to fully express myself.
Throughout my childhood, I've lived in a neighborhood that was really cliquish as they all lived in the same neighborhood previously and all did cheer together. I tried becoming friends with them, but they were really mean to each other and I realized that they weren't really the type of people I wanted to get myself involved with. Except there was this one girl who wasn't like the others that I would like to hang out with. Except every time I wanted to hang out with her she would want to invite the other neighborhood girls over. After a while, it started making me feel like I wasn't enough for her.
In middle school, I made another friend, but our relationship was weird. It feel more like a business friendship than an actual friendship. We would only hang out when we needed to do homework, or work on a project together, etc. I didn't mind at the time because I thought it would be for the better and not be emotionally tied to someone who would let me down.
Eventually, I made another friend who made our small little group feel like an actual friend group. We hung out for a couple of years, but eventually she would be extremely finicky with things we've planned to go hang out with her band friends, so it ended up with just me and my "business friend."
In high school, this "business friend" and I started parting ways just because our school was so big and we ended up not having any classes together. It really strained our relationship and it didn't help that she would make better grades (top1% in our school) than I would (top 8% in our school) and make me feel like an absolute idiot for answering questions the way I did. I felt like I was being degraded, but I didn't care to stand up for myself because I didn't want to lose another friend.
High school ends and we part ways even more because of college. I ended up staying in state and she moved to a different state. We hardly ever text each other or give each other updates on things. It's hard for me to reach out sometimes because I can't tell if I'm being clingy or if I'm just annoying them.
In college I lived on campus and my roommate and I were really good friends and we had both told each other that we felt like we've known each other for a very long time. To me, it seemed like the perfect friendship I wanted for myself. I even joined the school fencing club and made some good friends there as well as finding my now boyfriend there. Things took a downhill though for me because both my roommate I weren't doing too well mentally. She turned to vaping, edibles, and going out drinking almost every night. I honestly couldn't handle it and I ended up staying with my boyfriend most of the time. One day when I get back to my dorm, she had told me that there was this one night where she thought of just eating all of her melatonins and not wake up. I didn't know what to do and I feel like I had let her down because I wasn't there for her, but at the same time, I was having my own problems. She ended up getting help from a therapist, but I still blame myself for her getting worse and not being there for her.
I went to college for one and a half years, and ended up dropping out and going back home. I hated my major and I was feeling so burnt out that I couldn't continue. My production was going down and I just felt like crying everyday. I wasn't able to switch my majors because my GPA was too low to change it to something else. I feel like I failed on so many levels that I don't even know what to do. I've always done good in school, so I can't understand why I couldn't push myself to do better in college. It's weird being back with my family, I love them, don't get me wrong, but I got used to living by my own rules and ever since coming back, I feel like I'm being judged. I also don't have any friends here because they're all busy with college or traveling to different places of the world and I feel as if I've been left behind.
I feel like I'm being pressured back into school this summer. I still don't know what I want to do for a living, but I know I don't want to do a traditional job like what my dad wants to make me do (accountant, marketing, engineering, technology, etc.) I think that part of my problem lies with me being depressed (which I am seeing a therapist about) and not having any interest in anything anymore which I would say is also the thing that makes having friends hard too. I just can't see the point in having friends if they're not going to be there with you forever and having temporary friends doesn't sound like something I want either, but at the same time I would really like to have some people who can see me for me.
Sorry for the rant, but it felt good to get off of my chest and any suggestions would be welcome. Thank you so much for hearing me out.
Throughout my childhood, I've lived in a neighborhood that was really cliquish as they all lived in the same neighborhood previously and all did cheer together. I tried becoming friends with them, but they were really mean to each other and I realized that they weren't really the type of people I wanted to get myself involved with. Except there was this one girl who wasn't like the others that I would like to hang out with. Except every time I wanted to hang out with her she would want to invite the other neighborhood girls over. After a while, it started making me feel like I wasn't enough for her.
In middle school, I made another friend, but our relationship was weird. It feel more like a business friendship than an actual friendship. We would only hang out when we needed to do homework, or work on a project together, etc. I didn't mind at the time because I thought it would be for the better and not be emotionally tied to someone who would let me down.
Eventually, I made another friend who made our small little group feel like an actual friend group. We hung out for a couple of years, but eventually she would be extremely finicky with things we've planned to go hang out with her band friends, so it ended up with just me and my "business friend."
In high school, this "business friend" and I started parting ways just because our school was so big and we ended up not having any classes together. It really strained our relationship and it didn't help that she would make better grades (top1% in our school) than I would (top 8% in our school) and make me feel like an absolute idiot for answering questions the way I did. I felt like I was being degraded, but I didn't care to stand up for myself because I didn't want to lose another friend.
High school ends and we part ways even more because of college. I ended up staying in state and she moved to a different state. We hardly ever text each other or give each other updates on things. It's hard for me to reach out sometimes because I can't tell if I'm being clingy or if I'm just annoying them.
In college I lived on campus and my roommate and I were really good friends and we had both told each other that we felt like we've known each other for a very long time. To me, it seemed like the perfect friendship I wanted for myself. I even joined the school fencing club and made some good friends there as well as finding my now boyfriend there. Things took a downhill though for me because both my roommate I weren't doing too well mentally. She turned to vaping, edibles, and going out drinking almost every night. I honestly couldn't handle it and I ended up staying with my boyfriend most of the time. One day when I get back to my dorm, she had told me that there was this one night where she thought of just eating all of her melatonins and not wake up. I didn't know what to do and I feel like I had let her down because I wasn't there for her, but at the same time, I was having my own problems. She ended up getting help from a therapist, but I still blame myself for her getting worse and not being there for her.
I went to college for one and a half years, and ended up dropping out and going back home. I hated my major and I was feeling so burnt out that I couldn't continue. My production was going down and I just felt like crying everyday. I wasn't able to switch my majors because my GPA was too low to change it to something else. I feel like I failed on so many levels that I don't even know what to do. I've always done good in school, so I can't understand why I couldn't push myself to do better in college. It's weird being back with my family, I love them, don't get me wrong, but I got used to living by my own rules and ever since coming back, I feel like I'm being judged. I also don't have any friends here because they're all busy with college or traveling to different places of the world and I feel as if I've been left behind.
I feel like I'm being pressured back into school this summer. I still don't know what I want to do for a living, but I know I don't want to do a traditional job like what my dad wants to make me do (accountant, marketing, engineering, technology, etc.) I think that part of my problem lies with me being depressed (which I am seeing a therapist about) and not having any interest in anything anymore which I would say is also the thing that makes having friends hard too. I just can't see the point in having friends if they're not going to be there with you forever and having temporary friends doesn't sound like something I want either, but at the same time I would really like to have some people who can see me for me.
Sorry for the rant, but it felt good to get off of my chest and any suggestions would be welcome. Thank you so much for hearing me out.
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