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I believe my mother is mentally abusing me, and that my siblings are toxic
So I am currently unemployed, trapped where I am, I have been seeking out help for a few weeks now, going to free therapy sessions on a suicide hotline thing in order to look for help without requiring a credit card that I don't know how to get myself. A therapist on my last session, suggested a DV? I think it was called, and I did, only problem is, is that they need me to call numbers and I am afraid of calling because I fear my mom will hear, and I don't think I can text with the devices I have..
I have asked for a phone but both my parents say "You don't need a phone, you don't go anywhere."
But onto the main topic of why I came here: I have been looking at signs of videos talking about mental abuse, studying it and trying to see what was wrong with my life, why I never was like other kids when I was in high school. I want to talk to a therapist of my own and tell them all about my issues and how to resolve them. I have a journal on wattpad.com that has memories and recent events that have happened.
I never done email, therapy, or typing so much about these issues before, but I want to now and figure out how to fix my current situation, even if it means moving out away from my parents...
So further detail, here is two things that have happened to me from my journal:
-(2/15/2021) at 1:29 pm-
I said this bc I often say no. "What if I say no" is what I said and she walked around the house repeating it mockingly and then said "I am M.O.M Not M.A.I.D!" (This one was mockingly->)"I do a lot of things around the house!!!" and "I am going to move out!"
(I often receive outburst from my family if I say no to things they want me to do, if they ask and I say no, it's either a emotional outburst or my siblings running to my mom and dad / coming after me to do things even when I lock myself in my room.)
-On September 13, 2020, at 10:00 at night-
My mother got me up out of bed to put a bowl of food away that was already away, she then throw the food when I had asked her how she wanted me to put it away multiple times, then when I went to get the food, she raised her hands, and moved her body in a manner that scared me and I instinctively raised my hand to of which she lashed out, screaming "OH! your going to raise your hand to me?! Your going to raise your hand to your mother!" She began to hit me and lash out when I fought back then she stole my laptop thinking I meant to raise my hand and freaked out because of my bad memory...
I was crying by this time and had ran to my room while hearing my mom call me a cry baby, and shut the door without hearing it shut as usual, after a few minutes my mom slammed the door open and began mocking my crying, then screamed about how the door was broken...
After awhile, I was eating sweets while trying to calm down, I accidently choked but then was somehow patted on the back by a ghost from what I think happened, but that is just a theory of mine.
I have been dealing with many things for years from what it feels like, I was stuck in the house alone for quiet awhile before we moved, still usually am, right now I am writing this in my comfort zone which is my room, it's where I feel mostly safe and comfortable, but even here isn't safe from my siblings yelling and banging on the door.
I don't really know how I keep with my mentality, just been doing chatting, games, and watching videos, sometimes write and draw while listening to music to help with my stress.
Though I think the reason I am scared to call is because I am scared of being taken away at my age, or my parents hearing about it and screaming at me for doing so. My mom said things like: "No one will ever know you better then I do" and asking me what if I go into a different household and they treat me differently...
I want to feel safe and comfortable and not in the dark all the time, actually be able to talk to people without fearing the way they see me or fear of being bullied.. even if I am out of school.
(Off topic a little, I think this may be important in someway.)
I don't know if it's fear holding me inside the house all the time, but I know it's something I have grown used to, for years, I was trapped inside the house and only taken out when someone took me out, I wasn't allowed to go outside on my own and I remember always being alone under the age of 18, I don't remember when but I remember making a video on my old laptop, it's broken but I still have it. I still have 4 other videos I made of myself being alone in the house, I think they are a little funny but not all that great.
I have asked for a phone but both my parents say "You don't need a phone, you don't go anywhere."
But onto the main topic of why I came here: I have been looking at signs of videos talking about mental abuse, studying it and trying to see what was wrong with my life, why I never was like other kids when I was in high school. I want to talk to a therapist of my own and tell them all about my issues and how to resolve them. I have a journal on wattpad.com that has memories and recent events that have happened.
I never done email, therapy, or typing so much about these issues before, but I want to now and figure out how to fix my current situation, even if it means moving out away from my parents...
So further detail, here is two things that have happened to me from my journal:
-(2/15/2021) at 1:29 pm-
I said this bc I often say no. "What if I say no" is what I said and she walked around the house repeating it mockingly and then said "I am M.O.M Not M.A.I.D!" (This one was mockingly->)"I do a lot of things around the house!!!" and "I am going to move out!"
(I often receive outburst from my family if I say no to things they want me to do, if they ask and I say no, it's either a emotional outburst or my siblings running to my mom and dad / coming after me to do things even when I lock myself in my room.)
-On September 13, 2020, at 10:00 at night-
My mother got me up out of bed to put a bowl of food away that was already away, she then throw the food when I had asked her how she wanted me to put it away multiple times, then when I went to get the food, she raised her hands, and moved her body in a manner that scared me and I instinctively raised my hand to of which she lashed out, screaming "OH! your going to raise your hand to me?! Your going to raise your hand to your mother!" She began to hit me and lash out when I fought back then she stole my laptop thinking I meant to raise my hand and freaked out because of my bad memory...
I was crying by this time and had ran to my room while hearing my mom call me a cry baby, and shut the door without hearing it shut as usual, after a few minutes my mom slammed the door open and began mocking my crying, then screamed about how the door was broken...
After awhile, I was eating sweets while trying to calm down, I accidently choked but then was somehow patted on the back by a ghost from what I think happened, but that is just a theory of mine.
I have been dealing with many things for years from what it feels like, I was stuck in the house alone for quiet awhile before we moved, still usually am, right now I am writing this in my comfort zone which is my room, it's where I feel mostly safe and comfortable, but even here isn't safe from my siblings yelling and banging on the door.
I don't really know how I keep with my mentality, just been doing chatting, games, and watching videos, sometimes write and draw while listening to music to help with my stress.
Though I think the reason I am scared to call is because I am scared of being taken away at my age, or my parents hearing about it and screaming at me for doing so. My mom said things like: "No one will ever know you better then I do" and asking me what if I go into a different household and they treat me differently...
I want to feel safe and comfortable and not in the dark all the time, actually be able to talk to people without fearing the way they see me or fear of being bullied.. even if I am out of school.
(Off topic a little, I think this may be important in someway.)
I don't know if it's fear holding me inside the house all the time, but I know it's something I have grown used to, for years, I was trapped inside the house and only taken out when someone took me out, I wasn't allowed to go outside on my own and I remember always being alone under the age of 18, I don't remember when but I remember making a video on my old laptop, it's broken but I still have it. I still have 4 other videos I made of myself being alone in the house, I think they are a little funny but not all that great.
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