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I know this is long..but.
I love my family a lot. I want to spend time with them, and make more memories. But it’s hard, since we don’t go out and do much. But that’s not the point right now. Recently, I haven’t been finishing my school work on time. I always say I’m going to make it up, then I don’t. Of course, my mom finds out and she would get mad. To be honest, that’s pretty normal. Until it happens way too many times... the stress or the work gets to me a lot and I end up not finishing the work, too. And my mom would get upset about it... and I feel really bad, but no matter how much I tell myself, I really don’t get much of it done. Of course, my mom would get mad and yell... but sometimes she says things that really get to me. These words are burned into my mind. “Do you want a happy family to start fighting because of you?” “I want to beat you up” “This is why I drink” she also said that she would kill herself. I can’t stop thinking about it. Am I really that much of a burden? Do I cause that much trouble? I’m unable to concentrate anymore, and I just start crying. I want to fall asleep. I just want to forget everything. I want to disappear. I want to kill myself. Even if I miss one thing the whole yelling thing would happen again. Afterwards, my mom would call my dad on the phone while he’s at work. Of course he gets mad too. They’ve been talking about how I could never take care of myself and that they don’t know what my future will be like. And recently they’ve talked about sending me to a boarding school. I don’t want them to send me away... it scares me. Speaking of sending me away, they’ve talked about sending me home to the Philippines (My family is Filipino) and just leaving me there to fend for myself. Thinking about all of it just makes me feel awful, and that I could never do anything.
The thought that my mom doesn’t care about me grows stronger when I talk about what’s happening now. I’ve recently been telling my school’s principal about how I feel... and then she calls my mom. I didn’t want her to do that... that’s really the reason I told HER in the first place. Plus, we weren’t in school, it was online so I was messaging her. I wasn’t even done speaking yet, then she called my mom. To be honest, I was scared. And when I’ve told her stuff she always told my mom about it. My principle was also the one who told me about this help line. Besides that, I’ve been told to do 2 pieces of missed work everyday and to send it to her (we’re on winter break right now) and that’s been good. We had a zoom call discussing the plan... and after the call, my mom’s persona changed. She sounded mad... and she asked me what I told her about. I told her a bit, but she looked mad and it scared me a little. She then left the room sighing, which is usually a sign that she’s upset about something. But that doesn’t change my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are not even true or are me just being dramatic and it wouldn’t matter. Recently too, I’ve been telling my friends about everything and that I wanted to die. They help me a lot... I can’t ever thank them enough even if what they said is small. I know they care about me.
I’m unsure of what to do now... I’ve recently been thinking of drowning myself or making myself bleed. I feel like I have no future ahead of me if I keep making my mom/parents upset. My dad, by the way hasn’t (recently) been getting as mad as my mom. Still, when he gets mad, he gets REALLY mad. Once he took of my room’s door and he hit me with a belt. The belt didn’t hurt though, to be honest I felt like he was hesitant to hit me. I took it anyway. While doing my work, he would keep complaining about me to my face and downstairs when he does things I can hear him get mad. It gets to me how mad they get about me... and my little sister has never got yelled at. All she does is sit in her room all day playing on her phone.
I love my family a lot. I want to spend time with them, and make more memories. But it’s hard, since we don’t go out and do much. But that’s not the point right now. Recently, I haven’t been finishing my school work on time. I always say I’m going to make it up, then I don’t. Of course, my mom finds out and she would get mad. To be honest, that’s pretty normal. Until it happens way too many times... the stress or the work gets to me a lot and I end up not finishing the work, too. And my mom would get upset about it... and I feel really bad, but no matter how much I tell myself, I really don’t get much of it done. Of course, my mom would get mad and yell... but sometimes she says things that really get to me. These words are burned into my mind. “Do you want a happy family to start fighting because of you?” “I want to beat you up” “This is why I drink” she also said that she would kill herself. I can’t stop thinking about it. Am I really that much of a burden? Do I cause that much trouble? I’m unable to concentrate anymore, and I just start crying. I want to fall asleep. I just want to forget everything. I want to disappear. I want to kill myself. Even if I miss one thing the whole yelling thing would happen again. Afterwards, my mom would call my dad on the phone while he’s at work. Of course he gets mad too. They’ve been talking about how I could never take care of myself and that they don’t know what my future will be like. And recently they’ve talked about sending me to a boarding school. I don’t want them to send me away... it scares me. Speaking of sending me away, they’ve talked about sending me home to the Philippines (My family is Filipino) and just leaving me there to fend for myself. Thinking about all of it just makes me feel awful, and that I could never do anything.
The thought that my mom doesn’t care about me grows stronger when I talk about what’s happening now. I’ve recently been telling my school’s principal about how I feel... and then she calls my mom. I didn’t want her to do that... that’s really the reason I told HER in the first place. Plus, we weren’t in school, it was online so I was messaging her. I wasn’t even done speaking yet, then she called my mom. To be honest, I was scared. And when I’ve told her stuff she always told my mom about it. My principle was also the one who told me about this help line. Besides that, I’ve been told to do 2 pieces of missed work everyday and to send it to her (we’re on winter break right now) and that’s been good. We had a zoom call discussing the plan... and after the call, my mom’s persona changed. She sounded mad... and she asked me what I told her about. I told her a bit, but she looked mad and it scared me a little. She then left the room sighing, which is usually a sign that she’s upset about something. But that doesn’t change my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are not even true or are me just being dramatic and it wouldn’t matter. Recently too, I’ve been telling my friends about everything and that I wanted to die. They help me a lot... I can’t ever thank them enough even if what they said is small. I know they care about me.
I’m unsure of what to do now... I’ve recently been thinking of drowning myself or making myself bleed. I feel like I have no future ahead of me if I keep making my mom/parents upset. My dad, by the way hasn’t (recently) been getting as mad as my mom. Still, when he gets mad, he gets REALLY mad. Once he took of my room’s door and he hit me with a belt. The belt didn’t hurt though, to be honest I felt like he was hesitant to hit me. I took it anyway. While doing my work, he would keep complaining about me to my face and downstairs when he does things I can hear him get mad. It gets to me how mad they get about me... and my little sister has never got yelled at. All she does is sit in her room all day playing on her phone.
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