This might sound crazy and there's a lot, but please hear me out. I don't really have anywhere else to turn.
So I just moved into a new town, it's much better than my old one but I have no friends, severe social anxiety and almost no social skills since everyone in my hometowns hated each other. I was bullied almost my whole life, fights would constantly break out, kids did drugs and brought in blades to school to threaten teachers. I eventually just learned not to talk to anyone (including teachers, they were just as bad and never disciplined any of the bad kids, only the good ones since they could control them) and always be on defense mode. I'm honestly surprised how I made so many (now online) friends since everyone always says I come off as "closed off" and look like I want to fight everyone in the room. So now that everyone's so nice to me (they even gave me a tour around the school and give me free lunch!) I'm left nervous, tripping over my own feet, and can't even function properly. (I'm not even a violent or mean kid, I'm really nice to everyone I meet and have a history of being that quiet kid in the back of the class reading books so I don't see it. I'm only ever mean to bullies.) It's hard to handle such a big change. The work is more advanced than my old school too. I was an honors student my whole life but now since the old schools handled my transfer so horribly I'm really behind and I'm getting bad grades. I've never gotten a C before in my life and now I'm getting F's.
I thought moving into my first ever house (my family rented before) would change things but it didn't. My home life is horrible. My mom is constantly antagonizing everyone in the house, wants my grandma dead for giving her work, and treats me horribly but my brother like a god. (I love my brother and I'm not jealous at all, I'm happy for him but I'd like to be treated like a human being too). She's tried to strangle and kill me 13 times (they never worked, i guess she's really weak) because she can't control her anger and always tells me how stupid and ugly I am. She called me a demon child, almost disowned me twice, said I'm going to hell for being LGBT and not believing in a god she told me was sending me to hell, wishes she'd aborted me and a lot more. I try to get on her good side but she's constantly mad for no reason, most of the time I don't say a word and she still finds a way to yell at me and tell my I'm wrong. I'm autistic too (diagnosed as a baby but I didn't stay in therapy for long) so she called me the r-word all the time. she's always nice afterwards though, and nice outside to strangers, and it gets on my nerves.
I love my dad, but I'm also deathly afraid of him. He's always kind and sweet to me and I'n sure he loves me, but he is really strong and scary when he's angry, he hits my mom a lot for spending all our money, maybe cheating on him I'm not sure what to believe, and hitting me all the time. Apparently he accidentally hit me once when I was little and has almost beat me in a blind anger for admitting I have depression and tried to kill myself twice (he said I'm lying and need to get over it and my mom told me I should've done it by now). Everytime I vent to him he says that I have to deal with it because my mom gave birth to me and there's nothing he can do, or makes it about himself. My grandma also tried to light the house on fire for some reason and he dismissed it and said I should've taken care of it.
If my brother is ever in trouble I'm the one to swoop in and save him, the same thing goes for my dog and my mom. I'd stand out in the cold at movie theaters holding her with my sweater on her instead of me since she gets freeze attacks worse than me. I'm the one who helps everyone clean and cook even if I'm not too good at it, I do my brothers homework for him so he doesnt get in trouble but I end up not having any time for mine. I never have an appetite and rarely eat anything for a multitude of reasons, but my parents brush it off or yell at me for not remembering to eat because I don't feel any hunger symptoms until I pass out on the floor.
I know they'd kick me out if they found out I'm non-binary, but I can't handle the cold for very long, I turn blue and purple and can't move. I can't run away because everyone will see me. I can't get a therapist (honestly I really need one, I probably have a lot of unresolved issues at this point and the only things I'm sure of is anxiety and depression since the symptoms are so severe), or a tutor, midterms are coming soon and it's the middle of the marking period, I can't keep journals because I have no privacy, I don't trust the cops because last time they came in during my parents fight they just laughed and left and CPS never did anything in the first place, the last time I came into contact with a social worker he apparently slept with my mom and made me break up with my girlfriend since he's my ex's dad.
The only people I have are my hometown friends on discord who have it just as bad as I do so they can't take me in. There's so much I'm leaving out because I have to write this at school, I'm shaking so there's a lot of typos. I don't want to ruin my little brother's life either because he's treated really well by my parents and if I get taken away so will he and I'll never see him again. I'm constantly thinking about ending it all and making plans to do it but I'm to scared of the pain to go through with it. I don't know what to do, I don't wanna grow up or live like this anymore. Once I learn how to drive and get a car I'm planning on helping all of us run away, (I've always been the parent/most responsible one out of all of us) but that'll take a long time since I just turned 15. I'm trying my best but there's only so much I can control.
So I just moved into a new town, it's much better than my old one but I have no friends, severe social anxiety and almost no social skills since everyone in my hometowns hated each other. I was bullied almost my whole life, fights would constantly break out, kids did drugs and brought in blades to school to threaten teachers. I eventually just learned not to talk to anyone (including teachers, they were just as bad and never disciplined any of the bad kids, only the good ones since they could control them) and always be on defense mode. I'm honestly surprised how I made so many (now online) friends since everyone always says I come off as "closed off" and look like I want to fight everyone in the room. So now that everyone's so nice to me (they even gave me a tour around the school and give me free lunch!) I'm left nervous, tripping over my own feet, and can't even function properly. (I'm not even a violent or mean kid, I'm really nice to everyone I meet and have a history of being that quiet kid in the back of the class reading books so I don't see it. I'm only ever mean to bullies.) It's hard to handle such a big change. The work is more advanced than my old school too. I was an honors student my whole life but now since the old schools handled my transfer so horribly I'm really behind and I'm getting bad grades. I've never gotten a C before in my life and now I'm getting F's.
I thought moving into my first ever house (my family rented before) would change things but it didn't. My home life is horrible. My mom is constantly antagonizing everyone in the house, wants my grandma dead for giving her work, and treats me horribly but my brother like a god. (I love my brother and I'm not jealous at all, I'm happy for him but I'd like to be treated like a human being too). She's tried to strangle and kill me 13 times (they never worked, i guess she's really weak) because she can't control her anger and always tells me how stupid and ugly I am. She called me a demon child, almost disowned me twice, said I'm going to hell for being LGBT and not believing in a god she told me was sending me to hell, wishes she'd aborted me and a lot more. I try to get on her good side but she's constantly mad for no reason, most of the time I don't say a word and she still finds a way to yell at me and tell my I'm wrong. I'm autistic too (diagnosed as a baby but I didn't stay in therapy for long) so she called me the r-word all the time. she's always nice afterwards though, and nice outside to strangers, and it gets on my nerves.
I love my dad, but I'm also deathly afraid of him. He's always kind and sweet to me and I'n sure he loves me, but he is really strong and scary when he's angry, he hits my mom a lot for spending all our money, maybe cheating on him I'm not sure what to believe, and hitting me all the time. Apparently he accidentally hit me once when I was little and has almost beat me in a blind anger for admitting I have depression and tried to kill myself twice (he said I'm lying and need to get over it and my mom told me I should've done it by now). Everytime I vent to him he says that I have to deal with it because my mom gave birth to me and there's nothing he can do, or makes it about himself. My grandma also tried to light the house on fire for some reason and he dismissed it and said I should've taken care of it.
If my brother is ever in trouble I'm the one to swoop in and save him, the same thing goes for my dog and my mom. I'd stand out in the cold at movie theaters holding her with my sweater on her instead of me since she gets freeze attacks worse than me. I'm the one who helps everyone clean and cook even if I'm not too good at it, I do my brothers homework for him so he doesnt get in trouble but I end up not having any time for mine. I never have an appetite and rarely eat anything for a multitude of reasons, but my parents brush it off or yell at me for not remembering to eat because I don't feel any hunger symptoms until I pass out on the floor.
I know they'd kick me out if they found out I'm non-binary, but I can't handle the cold for very long, I turn blue and purple and can't move. I can't run away because everyone will see me. I can't get a therapist (honestly I really need one, I probably have a lot of unresolved issues at this point and the only things I'm sure of is anxiety and depression since the symptoms are so severe), or a tutor, midterms are coming soon and it's the middle of the marking period, I can't keep journals because I have no privacy, I don't trust the cops because last time they came in during my parents fight they just laughed and left and CPS never did anything in the first place, the last time I came into contact with a social worker he apparently slept with my mom and made me break up with my girlfriend since he's my ex's dad.
The only people I have are my hometown friends on discord who have it just as bad as I do so they can't take me in. There's so much I'm leaving out because I have to write this at school, I'm shaking so there's a lot of typos. I don't want to ruin my little brother's life either because he's treated really well by my parents and if I get taken away so will he and I'll never see him again. I'm constantly thinking about ending it all and making plans to do it but I'm to scared of the pain to go through with it. I don't know what to do, I don't wanna grow up or live like this anymore. Once I learn how to drive and get a car I'm planning on helping all of us run away, (I've always been the parent/most responsible one out of all of us) but that'll take a long time since I just turned 15. I'm trying my best but there's only so much I can control.
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