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Who am i?

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  • Who am i?

    I feel lost with myself. throughout the years I've dealt with depression. I had a rough childhood. My parents would fight, my dad would hit my mom while pregnant, I was mentally and physically abused. For years I tried to find who I am but I come up with nothing. My family makes me feel useless, unworthy, invisible, a distraction. I'm nothing, I'm worthless. I've been bullied my whole life with my physical appearance at home and at school. I don't feel safe anywhere, I feel trapped nowhere to run. When I was younger I used to lie and steal, I lied because I wanted to show everyone around me I was fine, I stole because everyone in school made fun of the clothes I wore. My mom worked hard to get me what I need, we weren't rich but had enough to have what an average human needs. My mom went through hard times with my dad in the past. They were about to divorce but I saved their marriage, they are together now, my dad has changed a lot he is a sweet kind, honest man. My mom has changed also but she used to be like what my dad is today, she changed the way she talks and do certain things. She mentally abuses me and says "I wish you were dead" "Go kill yourself instead" "I don't know why God gave me such an idiot" "your nothing like your brother, he is a good example for you, he's younger than you!" " Just go away you disappoint me every time". I still lie to people I tell them I have a normal life and I'm extremely happy and confident. I'm not happy nor confident, I'm depressed, insecure, I also have trust issues. I don't what to feel anymore I cry myself to sleep every single day ever since I was 6. My therapist calls me every single Tuesday and asks if I had any thoughts of harm, I always respond with "nope I feel great!" I don't though. I think of disappearing from the world every single day. I don't know how to talk to someone without being awkward. I feel everyone around me is constantly judging my every move. I have horrible anxiety and I have many panic attacks. I feel hideous and fat. I eat when I feel depressed, which is all the time. I tried to stop eating that and I managed to stop it but of course, a new problem had occurred. Whenever I get mad, sad, scared I start to scratch my arms, legs, and sometimes my face very intensely. I have many scars from it. When I start scratching my whole mind goes black I see nothing but darkness in my eyes. I want help but I can't be honest with people and I'm always afraid to ask for help. I've been overwhelmed with school and my grades keep dropping. I feel like I'm going in circles and overloaded with work.

  • #2
    hi there, thanks for reaching out to 2ndfloor. it sounds like you are going through a lot and have a lot to say, would you consider ever calling/texting 2ndfloor to discuss things further? if talking isn't your thing, you're more than welcome to continue posting on our message board or perhaps you can try typing your thoughts and sending them to your therapist - via email, if you're uncomfortable. being upfront with your therapist can be helpful as he/she may offer some feedback that could assist you in working through some of the issues you have mentioned. it's understandable to be scared to be honest with people, but it can also feel like a relief once you do so. please consider outreaching a trusted, safe adult when you're feeling like this. if you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, consider outreaching Say Something (844) 5-SAYNOW (844) 572-9669, (800) DONTCUT 366-8288, or the national suicide prevention lifeline 1-800-273-8255 as needed. additionally, if you feel that your parent is being mentally abusive, you can call CHILD ABUSE/NEGLECT HOTLINE 1-877-NJ ABUSE (652-2873) for additional support as well. you can reach out to 2ndfloor 24/7 at 888-222-2228.


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