What worth do I have?

[Guest]

I feel lost with myself. throughout the years I've dealt with depression. I had a rough childhood. My parents would fight, my dad would hit my mom while pregnant, I was mentally and physically abused. For years I tried to find who I am but I come up with nothing. My family makes me feel useless, unworthy, invisible, a distraction. I'm nothing, I'm worthless. I've been bullied my whole life with my physical appearance at home and at school. I don't feel safe anywhere, I feel trapped nowhere to run. When I was younger I used to lie and steal, I lied because I wanted to show everyone around me I was fine, I stole because everyone in school made fun of the clothes I wore. My mom worked hard to get me what I need, we weren't rich but had enough to have what an average human needs. My mom went through hard times with my dad in the past. They were about to divorce but I saved their marriage, they are together now, my dad has changed a lot he is a sweet kind, honest man. My mom has changed also but she used to be like what my dad is today, she changed the way she talks and do certain things. She mentally abuses me and says "I wish you were dead" "Go kill yourself instead" "I don't know why God gave me such an idiot" "your nothing like your brother, he is a good example for you, he's younger than you!" " Just go away you disappoint me every time". I still lie to people I tell them I have a normal life and I'm extremely happy and confident. I'm not happy nor confident, I'm depressed, insecure, I also have trust issues. I don't what to feel anymore I cry myself to sleep every single day ever since I was 6. My therapist calls me every single Tuesday and asks if I had any thoughts of harm, I always respond with "nope I feel great!" I don't though. I think of disappearing from the world every single day. I don't know how to talk to someone without being awkward. I feel everyone around me is constantly judging my every move. I have horrible anxiety and I have many panic attacks. I feel hideous and fat. I eat when I feel depressed, which is all the time. I tried to stop eating that and I managed to stop it but of course, a new problem had occurred. Whenever I get mad, sad, scared I start to scratch my arms, legs, and sometimes my face very intensely. I have many scars from it. When I start scratching my whole mind goes black I see nothing but darkness in my eyes. I want help but I can't be honest with people and I'm always afraid to ask for help. I've been overwhelmed with school and my grades keep dropping. I feel like I'm going in circles and overloaded with work.

[2NDFLOOR]

I am sorry you are going through this but I am glad you have a therapist. it is important to be honest with your therapist though, that is the only way you can get help. I am glad your dad has been treating you better but it's unfortunate that your mom treats you so poorly. Your mom will only change if she wants to, there is nothing you can do to make her change, you can only change the how you react to her. Are you diagnosed with depression? Sometimes medication can help. These are things you need to discuss with your therapist. The feelings of insecurity come from a low self esteem. Here are some resources that might help you. www.reachout.com This site has tools and apps, articles and forums. I think it will really help. Also try this site too, it might help with your self esteem- https://www.girlshealth.gov/feelings/happy/rate.html If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself or if you have a plan, please reach out to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK. You can talk to your teachers about feeling overwhelmed with your work, maybe they will have some ideas on how you can lessen your stress or workload. Please make an effort to be honest with your therapist so he/she can help you to the fullest of their ability. Hope you feel better and call or text us anytime you need help at 888-222-2228.

[Guest]

I tried talking with my therapist, it didn't work I can't open up. I am diagnosed with depression, and I'm taking medication for more than 3 years now. It doesn't work I tried many of the medications and increased the doses in all and I have no effect. I just get sleepy but that's all. maybe I'm just not worth being fixed. my life progressively gets worse as my grades go down. I don't think anything is going to be better. I tend to shut everything in my mind. I tried drawing, writing, music, reading, meditation, everything out there, nothing works. For some reason when I feel sad I would try something to turn somehing positive but I don't, instead I let it running as if I loved the pain of being hurt and broken. Me feeling the pain makes me feel proud of myself, as if I like to punish myself.
I also lost a lot of weight but not enough for me to feel confident, I constantly compare myself with others. Idk anymore I'm just lost by now.

[2NDFLOOR]

Hi there, thanks for reaching out to 2ndfloor. Sorry that you are feeling so frustrated right now, and you are definitely worth helping. Have you spoken with your psychiatrist lately about your medications? It is really important to tell your prescribing doctor about how you feel your meds are working so that he or she can continue making the proper adjustments. Try and be more patient with yourself and the process as it is not uncommon for it to take some time before you find the right dosages or combinations that work for you. As far as therapists go, perhaps you can let your therapist know what you feel isn't working and talk about making changes or switching to another provider. Finding a therapist that you feel comfortable opening up to is also key. These are things you can explore further with your doctor and therapist. Have you let a teacher or guidance counselor know that you're struggling with your grades? Letting someone at school know that you are having a hard time could be the start to improving things in that realm. Thank you for posting about your feelings, and we hope that things get better for you. Keep doing activities that bring you joy and communicating with trusted supports in your life when you're feeling upset or overwhelmed. You can always reach out and speak with a support counselor here at 2NDFLOOR 24/7 via text or phone call at 888-222-2228.