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What worth do I have?

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  • What worth do I have?

    I feel lost with myself. throughout the years I've dealt with depression. I had a rough childhood. My parents would fight, my dad would hit my mom while pregnant, I was mentally and physically abused. For years I tried to find who I am but I come up with nothing. My family makes me feel useless, unworthy, invisible, a distraction. I'm nothing, I'm worthless. I've been bullied my whole life with my physical appearance at home and at school. I don't feel safe anywhere, I feel trapped nowhere to run. When I was younger I used to lie and steal, I lied because I wanted to show everyone around me I was fine, I stole because everyone in school made fun of the clothes I wore. My mom worked hard to get me what I need, we weren't rich but had enough to have what an average human needs. My mom went through hard times with my dad in the past. They were about to divorce but I saved their marriage, they are together now, my dad has changed a lot he is a sweet kind, honest man. My mom has changed also but she used to be like what my dad is today, she changed the way she talks and do certain things. She mentally abuses me and says "I wish you were dead" "Go kill yourself instead" "I don't know why God gave me such an idiot" "your nothing like your brother, he is a good example for you, he's younger than you!" " Just go away you disappoint me every time". I still lie to people I tell them I have a normal life and I'm extremely happy and confident. I'm not happy nor confident, I'm depressed, insecure, I also have trust issues. I don't what to feel anymore I cry myself to sleep every single day ever since I was 6. My therapist calls me every single Tuesday and asks if I had any thoughts of harm, I always respond with "nope I feel great!" I don't though. I think of disappearing from the world every single day. I don't know how to talk to someone without being awkward. I feel everyone around me is constantly judging my every move. I have horrible anxiety and I have many panic attacks. I feel hideous and fat. I eat when I feel depressed, which is all the time. I tried to stop eating that and I managed to stop it but of course, a new problem had occurred. Whenever I get mad, sad, scared I start to scratch my arms, legs, and sometimes my face very intensely. I have many scars from it. When I start scratching my whole mind goes black I see nothing but darkness in my eyes. I want help but I can't be honest with people and I'm always afraid to ask for help. I've been overwhelmed with school and my grades keep dropping. I feel like I'm going in circles and overloaded with work.

  • #2
    I am sorry you are going through this but I am glad you have a therapist. it is important to be honest with your therapist though, that is the only way you can get help. I am glad your dad has been treating you better but it's unfortunate that your mom treats you so poorly. Your mom will only change if she wants to, there is nothing you can do to make her change, you can only change the how you react to her. Are you diagnosed with depression? Sometimes medication can help. These are things you need to discuss with your therapist. The feelings of insecurity come from a low self esteem. Here are some resources that might help you. www.reachout.com This site has tools and apps, articles and forums. I think it will really help. Also try this site too, it might help with your self esteem- https://www.girlshealth.gov/feelings/happy/rate.html If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself or if you have a plan, please reach out to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK. You can talk to your teachers about feeling overwhelmed with your work, maybe they will have some ideas on how you can lessen your stress or workload. Please make an effort to be honest with your therapist so he/she can help you to the fullest of their ability. Hope you feel better and call or text us anytime you need help at 888-222-2228.

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