repercussions of death

[Unregistered]

my dad died over a year ago, and it seems like i was better then than i am now. it didn't hurt as much then, though it feels like it's killing me lately. i've been through self harm and therapy, but my outbursts of emotion are so sparatic that i don't think i could talk about how i feel at a specific appointment time. i'm scared of opening up to people, to boys, to tell them how i feel about loosing my dad. he was my best friend. it isn't fair, it isn't fair that he had to die. i can't tell my friends that i would trade places with him in an instant, or loose ten years off my life just to have another day with him. they don't get how it feels, how could they? i feel like such a burden for everyone. everyone tells me i've always been an old soul. i think seeing my father in a casket enhanced it, how can i be a normal teenager like this? who goes to sleep hearing the doctor say he wasn't strong enough? how could he not be strong enough? he was the strongest man alive, he was the best man alive. when he died he wasn't my father. he couldn't speak, he couldn't walk, he couldn't eat. can seeing him like that cause trauma?am i awful for wishing he was still here anyway? i hate going to the cemetery, since it just proves he's never coming back. god, i wish he could come back.

[2NDFLOOR]

I am sorry you are going through this and that your father has passed. It is unfortunate that he did die and it is unfair. Seeing your father deteriorate definitely could affect you traumatically. I think it is important that you seek out counseling because of the way you are being affected by this loss. It does take time and there are different stages of grief. All are normal and natural to go through especially when you lose someone so close. Do you have anyone that you can speak to about how you feel? A trusted adult, counselor, teacher? I would suggest getting some support, you should not have to go through this alone. Also, check out this website- griefspeaks.org. It is a great resource and hopefully you will relate to some stories and it will help you feel like you are not alone. Also, you can reach out to 2ndfloor anytime 24/7 by text or phone @ 888-222-2228. Please feel free to contact us at any time.