I was a terrible boyfriend

[Guest]

I just want to confess. I did a lot of terrible things when I was with I'll say, Megan. I met Megan our Freshman year. I had noticed her on the field in marching band a lot, she was in guard and I sucked so I was on background decorations. The first time we met was at a morning practice on the actual school field. It was cold and crazy windy and I heard Megan say she was cold. I don't know what possessed me but I gave her my jacket. I insisted, I felt stupid. I thought she was going to laugh at me or tell me she had a boyfriend. I felt all her friends judging me. And she was concerned with how cold I'd be. But I still insisted she take it and she did. I remember watching her dance and wearing my jacket and felt so warm. That day was Thursday, it was her birthday. Those next few days we had two band competitions. We spent so much time together during it. We talked about everything. We held hands and we officially started dating on November 5th. I was in love by November 4th. A couple of weeks later she had a birthday party and she kissed me, it was my first kiss and it was terrible. I sucked at it, it was nothing like I thought it was. She laughed and it was adorable, I felt stupid but she didn't make me feel ashamed. She told me I'd get better and I did. She was everything I wanted to be, no one in my life has ever kissed me better and with more love than she did. We broke up that December. She broke up with me four days before Christmas. I deserved it, I was starting to get stressed with school and I lose sleep when I stress so I was an ass all the time, I have always had a grumpy crabby side I'm a Cancer. I don't know why but I can't control my hostility nor my mouth and I am terrible at communicating. She was not doing well mentally and I wasn't helping. Christmas day I went over to her house to give her her gift. I wanted to kiss her but she hugged me and it was enough. I loved that feeling more than anything in the world. I don't remember when but we got back together. And lasted like two weeks or three weeks. We got back together just a little after Valentine's Day. We lasted until April 2nd. I don't remember much of the in-between there but when April 2nd happened there was not a very quick restart. Shortly before April 2nd, we had taken our relationship to a whole different step. We were each other's first and to this day I still feel like I rushed it and should feel guilt over it. We didn't talk for a long time. I tried to be with other people and it was fun but ultimately short-lived. By next November we were back together. At this point, my grandma and grandpa had both died in the Summer and by the coming December, my great-grandma would die. We lasted until around March. We failed when I met I'll call her, Rachel. Rachel and I shared the first period. I had noticed her in class and met her briefly once in Freshman but this was sophomore year. I hardly remembered her name but she was attractive, truly. My friend and I both agreed that it would be kickass if she sat next to us. I don't even remember why but she ended up sitting in front of me the last semester of the school year. It was weird because very quickly she rooted herself in my life. We talked in class and for a few days, she had my snap. Then we were talking almost every day. She was cute and she called me often. She encouraged me to be healthier which in honesty Megan did not do. Megan didn't like Rachel at all. Megan was right. I broke down one night and told Rachel that I was kinda into her. She reciprocated a desire to flirt and an ''attraction'' but she had hesitancy because I was taken. I don't know what's wrong with me, how I couldn't see I was making bad decisions after bad decisions. I ended things with Megan. I told Rachel. And Rachel acted as if I was asking too much. Acted as if her flirting with me was not a reason to leave my girlfriend after reciprocating feelings for each other. I got played. Megan took me back. I am such a low life. She knew that Rachel was scum and I wouldn't listen. I couldn't be happy with the good life I had. I wanted more, more freedom, more women, and men, more vices. I take a lot for granted but nothing as much as I did her. We were together for a few months. We were enjoying the Summer. I took her and her brother fishing. We walked the dog together. We had a life with each other. The best days were when I slept over and she would wake me up in the mornings after my dad left for work. We would cuddle and kiss tenderly. On a good day, I wanted to marry her. I had a lot of bad days though. When things were bad I would do dumb things. I was never not depressed, I was on medication for much of the pandemic. I had many problems including grieving and addictions. I was suicidal often. I hate admitting that sometimes I would threaten my life either with a knife and something else while Megan was around. Often I would feel urged to go through with it, but the times I was doing it simply to do it exists in my head just as equally as the others and degrades my self-respect every day. She would cook for me, she would do anything for me. I spit all over that. We fought again, this time over a "Wendy." My friend was always someone I thought was cute, but she was a grade below and my interest was faded at best. But Megan didn't like the closeness and understandably so, I pushed the boundary again like always. I commented wow under one of Wendy's posts and that was enough for Megan. I stole her weed. I'm a jackass. She attempted a take on her life, it failed. Her dad rescued her. I was devastated. What if it had worked. We got back together and I don't care if that was because she tried, it was the right thing to do. We didn't make it very much longer. We fought often, I was always using her money for drugs. Her dad caught us smoking. Things were becoming complicated and my overuse of drugs and porn was detaching from reality, I had no interest in school or her. I told her that I loved her, but I just wasn't in love with her. After all this time that's how we've ended. I lied. I lied and I just couldn't admit to her that I had problems. I was doing harmful things constantly and I had no self-control. I couldn't communicate to her that I was spiraling and I was. I know for many it may sound hollow or it may sound fake but I was wrong. I'm in love with Megan. I have a drug addiction, I have communication problems. I love Megan still. She's with someone right now. I have a lot of work to finish before I'm a better man. I want Megan back, she's the only thing I want and I will not be complete without her, she is the missing puzzle piece, she is my twin flame, I am bonded to her soul. It has been almost eight months and I still wake up from dreams of her, think of her daily. I don't want other people and I could have other people, I just don't match with anyone other than Megan. I went out with "Sam" and I am keeping company with "Kim." No one I have ever been with or will be with compares to how I feel about Megan, I want to try again. I know I am asking for more than too much. But I still will try. When I think about Megan I feel true joy and I haven't felt that in a very long time. I love you, Megan, even if I never have you again.

[2NDFLOOR]

It sounds like you and Megan have been through a lot with each other. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like it is up to you to resume this relationship at this point. It seems like it is up to Megan and it may be a bit difficult since she is with someone. I know this may be difficult to hear, but what if things work out for her and this new person? Megan may be the one that you want, but there is a possibility that it may not happen therefore you may want to keep an open mind to new people you meet. Maybe in the future things can work out for you and Megan but if not you don't want to miss out on the chance of making a different connection.

It is good that you are able to identify the components that were not so ideal in your relationship, now you can work on those components so you can be a better boyfriend in the future regardless of who you are with. If you would like to talk about this or anything else further please reach out to 2NDFLOOR anytime 24/7 via text or call at 1(888) 222-2228.