I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything

[Unregistered]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now, and I'm starting to think that our relationship is toxic and very unhealthy and I don't know what to do. He has his days and his moments, I mean yeah I have done some bad things in our relationship to upset him but now the thing is "you have to earn my trust back" like seriously, I can't wear shorts that are "too short" in his eyes, I can't wear certain types of shirts or clothes or dress a certain way, I can't talk to any of my guy friends, and then when I go to hang out with my girl friends he always gets mad and I end up leaving the room to answer the phone and argue with him, I have lost so many friends due to him, and he is a really great guy, he really is. For example I was mad at him for some reason the other and I went in the basement and I layed on the couch and put Netflix on and watched it on the computer and then I fell asleep, he came downstairs after I was asleep, turned off the computer, put it away, covered me with a blanket and then kissed my forehead, I miss those sweet things or when he leaves me audio messages they are really cute and stuff, but yesterday he had one of his moments, he's on vacation rn in cape cod, and we both live in new jeresy and I had one of my friends over and her and i were going to go swimming, and then he was like "make sure she doesn't out anything on snapchat or on Instagram of you In bathing suit" and I always have to check in with him and he calls me every 20 minutes and it gets annoying or sometimes we will be in the middle of a conversation and he will have to go and I will be like "oh ok text me later i love you" but if it's the other way around he says "why? what are you doing? BABE?! what's going on? you're acting weird?" and he always goes through my phone and he has my passwords to everything so he always logs in and checks over everything I do and I just don't know what to do I really really love this guy he makes me
so happy and I really don't want to have to break up with it would be reall hard but I just don't know if I can do this anything longer I just don't know what to do, I need help

[Unregistered]

just help please

[2NDFLOOR]

I'm glad you're reaching out for some support! It sounds like your relationship has some very unhealthy boundaries right now. Even if you may have done some "bad things" in your relationship, it is by no means appropriate for your boyfriend to be deciding what you can wear, who you can speak to and spend your time with, demanding that you "check in" with him, and checking your phone and social media accounts. You are right that these are very unhealthy behaviors. These behaviors are actually characteristic of emotional abuse. A great website to check out for more information about the different types of dating abuse is loveisrespect.org (under "Relationships 101" and "Is This Abuse?"). Even relationships with happy moments, similar to what you're describing, can have emotional abuse. Are these behaviors something your boyfriend would be willing to change? It sounds like he lacks a lot of trust, but that is no reason for him to be controlling your behavior or rifling through your personal information. There are many different ways to build or re-build trust.

It sounds like these unhealthy behaviors are really difficult for you to be coping with. Letting your boyfriend know that you are not okay with these behaviors is the first step to asserting your needs and boundaries. It may be necessary to have an in-depth discussion about the boundaries in your relationship. For example, discussing with your boyfriend that it's not appropriate for either of you to be deciding what each other wears, who you are allowed to talk to, going through each others' private information, and constantly "checking up" on one another. If these behaviors are not something your boyfriend is willing to change, it will be necessary to decide whether or not you want to be a part of this unhealthy dynamic. If you'd like more support, loveisrespect.org has a 24/7 chat service that helps young people who may be experiencing dating abuse. They also have a helpline (1-866-331-9474) and a texting service (text LOVEIS to 22522). You can also always call us at 888-222-2228 if you'd like some help addressing this with your boyfriend or ending the relationship. We also have a texting service from 4pm to 8pm everyday (same number). Again, I'm really glad you're reaching out to get help, since this must be scary to handle on your own. Thank you for contacting 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline.